Friday, July 18, 2014

Joyce Manor - Never Hungover Again (Epitaph) (2014)

Am I being paranoid? Ever since I published the iconic interview with Joyce Manor bassist, Matt Ebert, I have felt something on my trail. At first I thought it was Christian Slater. But no, I talked to his publicist and she vehemently insisted that he wasn't angry about his Never Hungover Again studio cameo being discussed. Then it became so very apparent. Epitaph's lawyers. We've had troubles in the past but they've kept their behavior cordial. Until now. Or rather, until earlier today.

Let's start with yesterday. Yesterday I went to my usual coffee shop. The barista recognized me as I walked in. She spun around and made an iced coffee. She handed it to me with a big smile on her face. This was weird because I had never ordered an iced coffee before. The iced coffee was $3.50, opposed to the usual $2.50 spent on a small hot coffee. She looked so happy though I didn't mind spending an extra dollar. She kept smiling. But there was something behind the smile that was unnerving. There was fear behind that smile.

I sipped the iced coffee slowly. It tasted normal. And by normal I mean, it tasted very delicious. I licked my lips and continued on with my day. Yesterday finished which leads to today. Earlier today I went back to the same coffee shop. Right when I walked in I saw the same barista spin around and make an iced coffee. A different worker approached me, "What can I get for you?"
"A small coffee."
She turned around to get the small coffee. The smiling barista handed her an iced coffee.
"What is this?"
"His order!"
"No, he wanted a small coffee."
The smiling barista no longer smiled. She looked at me. I looked at her. I paid $2.50 for my coffee. I left. It was outside I began to feel guilty. Should I have lied and forked over an extra dollar just to keep her happy? Why did she think I wanted the iced coffee? Was she confusing me with another handsome customer? I spun around to apologize about the incident, I felt really bad for making her feel so bad. But what I saw through the window will blow your mind. A shadowy figure in a trench coat and fedora yelled at her. Tears fell from her quivering face. It was then that I noticed his t-shirt under the trench coat. He was wearing a Voodoo Glow Skulls t-shirt with a pin that said, "Not My President." Yes, the man was an Epitaph lawyer bent on revenge!

My whole body was shaking but I continued to stare. One of my best friends growing up had a deaf mother so from her I learned how to read lips. So I read the lawyer's lips. What he said might frighten you, because it sure as Hell frightened me! "Why didn't you get him to drink the iced coffee today? He drank it yesterday. Yesterday the iced coffee wasn't poisoned. Today the iced coffee today was poisoned. We want to kill him." It was then that I ran to my car and drove home.

And now here I am writing this review. Those filthy Epitaph lawyers trying to kill me. Well, I know they're reading this so I'll plainly state it: If you want to kill me, come get me. You know exactly where I live. Come destroy me like you have promised so many times. But no matter how many times you kill me, it won't stop the putrid stench that emits from your demonic pores. You are pure evil and one day the world will learn of your scum huffing ways.

So anyways, Never Hungover Again. In classic Joyce Manor fashion we have ten songs in nineteen minutes. Nineteen minutes rife with infectious melody. It's so catchy that you might want to call the CDCC immediately. Nineteen minutes overflowing with hooks. There are so many hooks you might think it was recorded in a meat freezer. Nineteen minutes spilling over the edges with pop. There is so much pop you might think they are from the midwest. Never Hungover Again might not be as overtly angsty as their past recordings but the angst is still there. But it's more like sentimental angst. An examination of yesterdays. "Falling In Love Again" is 2014's "Say It Ain't So." Very epic. I would say I'm excited for where Joyce Manor is going but they're already here and Never Hungover Again is proof of that. I just hope none of them die in the crossfire between Epitaph's lawyers and myself. Am I being paranoid?


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